meximas-act-iii
ACT III
SCENE 1
(New Year's Eve. The beach.)
EL IPODITO
Haggerties and swamies
Pacific Palisades
San Anofree and sunset
Redondo Beach L.A.
All over La Jolla
At Waimia Bay
Everybody's gone surfin
Surfin U.S.A.
JESS
Aaahhhh! Swimming in the Pacific! I've been waiting for this
moment all trip! I can go home happy now!
ALEX
All I want to do is ride a mantra ray.
JESS
That is just ridiculous. Shut up.
ALEX
You want to know what's ridiculous? Look at these stupid
signs. I'm not going to let some stupid sign tell me what to
do!
(Points at sign on beach that says, "CAUTION!
PELIGROSO! DO NOT TOUCH THE OCEAN! DANGEROUS
RIP TIDES WILL DRAG YOU OUT AND YOU WILL DIE!
SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE STUPID!")
ALEX
Whatever.
(Stands in surf, makes rude gesture towards
ocean. Water reaches toe-level. ALEX panicked,
visibly getting sucked into ocean, fights with
all strength to crawl back onto beach.)
ALEX
We shouldn't go in. It's, erm, really cold. You would hate it.
JESS
No matter. I'm getting tired anyhow. I think I'm going to bed.
I'm not going to let some stupid clock tell me when it's
midnight. As far as I'm concerned, New Year's was last night.
That JOHN MAYER, he's somewhat effete-looking, but last night,
in bed, I achieved total consciousness. So I had that going
for me, which was nice.
ALEX
You wanna know how I know you're lame? You were seduced by
some guy whose lyrics include:
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue
He's nowhere near as good as Coldplay.
JESS
Oh, you mean the band whose chorus goes:
I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow
You ever thought about writing scripts? Judd Apatow would love
you. You know, if you were funnier. And talented. And better
looking. Yeah, definitely need to be better looking.
Anyway, I'm going to bed.
ALEX
It's 8 pm!
JESS
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Zzzzz.
(ALEX sighs. Inserts ear plugs, puts on
noise-cancelling headphones, jams pillow on
head. Tosses and turns fitfully for several
minutes.
Sighs again.
Rummages around in tent, finds toothpick.
Lights it on fire, and jams flaming firey end
into ears, puncturing both ear drums. Grimaces
at first, but then enjoys blissful silence,
finally sleeps peacefully, dreaming of manta rays.)
SCENE 2
(ALEX and JESS hustling north with EL PODEROSO
and EL IPODITO.)
ALEX
What is up with this bus? I'm sick of these slow-ass jerks
getting in our way. Move it! Puta madre!
JESS
Calmer than you are dude. Hey cool, look -- a Driscoll's
strawberry factory. I didn't know they came Mexico...
(Bus pulls over; scores of Mexicanos wearing
bandanas over nose and mouth, carrying plastic
five gallon buckets come pouring out and head
for the fields.)
ALEX
Those bandanas make them look like thugs.
JESS
I think it's to help protect them from the pesticides. I heard
that their life expectancy is 49 years.
ALEX
Well, I don't see anyone with guns, making them work.
JESS
You're right, that's true.
ALEX
I bet it's a fair arrangement with Driscoll's. They're
obviously not working for free, so whatever they're making
must be fair. They must be making, what, $7, $8 USD per hour?
That's what it would take to get me hunched over, plucking
strawberries for 14 hours a day.
JESS
Actually, they make about $2 an hour.
ALEX
Jaysus. What was the exchange rate again?
JESS
The ATM tells me about 10.8 pesos to the US dollar.
ALEX
Yeah, see? They're making like, 22 pesos an hour, 308 pesos a
day, right? That's not so bad! Especially considering it costs
us only about $4.50 US per person per meal to eat.
JESS
Um, that's 100 pesos per meal.
ALEX
Right, cheap!
JESS
How many meals do you eat per day?
ALEX
Um...
JESS
Yeah.
ALEX
Well, they're still saving 8 pesos a day. That's like, 240
pesos a month they can send home.
JESS
$21 bucks?
EL IPODITO
(Mournfully)
If you know your history,
Then you would know where you coming from,
Then you wouldnt have to ask me,
Who the eck do I think I am.
I'm just a buffalo soldier in the heart of America,
Stolen from africa, brought to America,
Said he was fighting on arrival, fighting for survival;
Said he was a buffalo soldier win the war for America.
SCENE 3
(Fort Collins. Night.)
JESS
So, where should we eat?
ALEX
I don't know. It's depressing coming back here for food, don't
you think?
(MARISCOS perform happy dance, a la Balki
Bartoukamous and Cousin Larry Appleton.)
JESS
You know, I'm not so hungry... But I could do La Luz. Or Whole
Foods. Or Jason's Deli. Or Taj Mahal. Or Fish. Or Austin's. Or
Sanford's. Or Pulcinella's. Or Lucille's. Or Jason's Deli. Or
Backcountry. Or Choice City. Or Taste of Philly. Or
Bisetti's. Or Spicy Pickle. Or Elliot's Mess. Or Poppy's. You
know, whatever.
ALEX
You said Jason's Deli twice.
(RABID WOLVERINES noticably ecstatic. Game of
"who can drink more lava" spirals out of
control.
RABID WOLVERINE #4 collapses, on fire. Dead.
Other RABID WOLVERINES nervous. Run off stage
left.
RABID WOLVERINE #4 decomposes rapidly, turns
into noxious cloud of odor, exits stage via
door labelled JESS' ASS.)
ALEX
Oh. My. God. I can't believe what died in your ass.
JESS
I'm not right! But anyway, where can we eat? I'm starving!
ALEX
Let's go somewhere where they serve salad.
JESS
JASON'S DELI! I love their nuts!
EL IPODITO
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
(ALEX and JESS speed off into the night.)
(Curtain drops.)
(fin.)
