best spam evar?

Received in my work inbox:

From: Kalpesh Sharma
Subject: Kalpesh Sharma CV – 12 years Experienced Specialist with World Records

Respected Sir/Madam,

It’s my pleasure to get in touch with you. I am an expert with world records and exceptional achievements in my field. I am attaching my resume with this email. I kindly request you to have a look incase my skills, expertise, experience, etc. can play an primary role for your company’s growth.

I believe that the company for which I work is not just a place to fulfill formality to come in morning and go back in evening, but instead the company for which I work is like my home. And a person who thinks his work place(company) his home, will take care of his company in the same way as he takes care of the safety, growth and security of his own home.

He then goes on to describe his skills, which certainly cover a wide range of topics.

Note For Entertainment Industry Only: I am ready for working 100% free of cost for short films, ad films, corporate films and full featured films. And have more then sufficient knowledge and medium acting skills to give the best delivery of my services. I will do free of cost just to gain professional experience in entertainment industry.

My Primary Challenging Skill for Executive Position: I have a lot of ideas for every industry sector. Once given an opportunity, I challenge to prove my work with practical results rather then floating in dream world and describing it theoretically.

Detailed Information of My Skills (Top 15):

• Online Marketing Expert, Internet Advertising Expert
• Article Writing Expert
• Social Networking Expert.
• Assistant Director/ Assistant Producer (Portfolio Images Attached for Entertainment Industry Related Jobs on http://www.desitara.com/shriganesh)
• Networking (LAN of Wired/Wireless up to 25 PC).

Wait, what? He can only make networks up to 25 computers?!? I suppose that’s pretty good for an assistant director.

• Information Security Expert, Ethical Hacking, Penetration Testing Expert

Heh heh… he said “penetration”.

• Linksys Wired/Wireless Router Configuration WAG325N & WRVS 4400N.
• Trainee/Assistant to Network Engineer Wide LAN/WAN Network
• Software Programming, Software Development, Software Engineering

He missed “software designing”.

• Executive/Director/Corporate/Management Levels
• Software Testing

Holy crap, an executive/director that also knows how to test software?

• Almost All Types of Administrative & Management Skills.

And he’s modest! Kalpesh doesn’t claim to know every type of management skill, but almost all of them.

• Moderate Legal Working Knowledge.

Ah crap, I was all ready to write back because the limiting factor in HP’s growth is that we don’t have any Executive Directors who can make networks of 25 computers and knows (almost) every type of management skill there is (except for the illegal Cambodian nunchaku skills, obviously) and can help Quentin Tarantino on his next film, except we needed someone with Expert Legal Working Knowledge; a moderate amount of knowledge just won’t cut it.

Sorry Mr. Sharma, hit those LSAT prep books and write back next year!