royale sin queso

[JULES]
Okay, so tell me again about the hash bars.

[ALEX]
Okay, what do you want to know?

[JULES]
Well, hash is legal over there, right?

[ALEX]
Yeah, it’s legal, but it ain’t a hundred percent legal. Also,
you’re thinking of a different country, and we ain’t there. We’re
here, although I must admit that it was a clever way to let
our readers know that I’m about to rip off another piece of
American culture written by a far cleverer writer.

[JULES]
Word. Also, you’re nowhere near as good looking as Travolta.

[ALEX]
I dig, baby, I dig. But you know what the funniest thing about
South America is?

[JULES]
What?

[ALEX]
It’s the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got here,
they got there, but a little different.

[JULES]
Example?

[ALEX]
Alright, when you’re at a traffic light, the light changes to
yellow. And I don’t mean green-yellow-red either, although they
do that too. I’m talking about red-yellow-green.

[JULES]
Goddamn.

[ALEX]
And when you’re done taking a piss and you wanna wash your hands,
you got two knobs in front of you. One labeled “C” and one with
an “F”. Which one do you twist?

[JULES]
Well, I don’t know what the hell “F” is, so I’d use “C” for cold.

[ALEX]
You do that, you’ll burn the fuck outta your hand. See, “C” stands
for “calor” which is “hot” and “F” is for “frio” which is “cold”.

[JULES]
Shit.

[ALEX]
Dig it, baby. Those cats got all sorts of weird abbreviations.
You’ll be driving down the highway and you’ll see all sorts of
signs, like Est., Pdte., and Gdor.

[JULES]
And?

[ALEX]
Well, Est. is short for Estancia, which is a big ol’ ranch. They
got tons of those down in Patagonia. And they seem to be in love
with their old leaders. Pdte. stands for Presidente and Gdor.
is for Gobernador.

[JULES]
Driving, eh? What kinda cars they got?

[ALEX]
Alright, well most of them run on diesel seeing as how it’s only
75% the price of gasoline. And so you’ll see all sorts of crazy
shit that you ain’t never, but never, gonna see in the States.
Like a Ford Escort — the epitome of el cheapo American cars — that
runs on diesel.

[JULES]
A diesel Escort. Who’da thought.

[ALEX]
Damn right. Not to mention all them Euro marques, like Renault,
Citroen, and Fiat.

[JULES]
What about all that mayonnaise I keep hearing about? They drown
their fuckin’ fries in that shit, man?

[ALEX]
Yeah, but that ain’t all. Hot dogs too, which the Chilenos call
a “completo”. I seen ’em do it. They also got this weird shit
called “salsa golf” which is a blend of ketchup, mayo, and something
else I can’t tell.

[JULES]
Uggh!

[ALEX]
Them cats is weird about their food. Their ketchup tastes like it’s
got about a pound of sugar added. And when you buy fruits and veggies
at the supermarket, there’s a separate register right by the produce
section where you bring the shit you got picked out, and some dude
puts prices on them for you, but you still pay up front at the
cash registers.

[JULES]
Weird.

[ALEX]
All the markets are full liquor stores too. They got beer, wine,
and liquor just sitting out on the shelves. And I ain’t talking
no Popov plastic bottle vodka shit neither. You can get a full on
bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin, though it’ll cost ya a peso or two,
if you can dig. And you know what they call a Diet Coke?

[JULES]
They don’t call it a Diet Coke?

[ALEX]
No, they got the metric system there. But more importantly, they
speak Spanish — they wouldn’t know what the fuck a “diet” is.

[JULES]
What’d they call it?

[ALEX]
They call it a Coke Light.

[JULES]
Coke Light. Doesn’t have quite the same ring as a Royale with Cheese,
but I guess it makes sense. What’d they call a regular Coke?

[ALEX]
A Coke’s a Coke, but they call it “un Coca-Cola”.

[JULES]
Un Coca-cola! Hahahaha… What do they call a Pepsi?

[ALEX]
I dunno man, I don’t drink that shit. Anyways, you ready?

[JULES]
Yeah, let’s git.

[ALEX]
Word, baby. Word.